Definitive History of Saint Patrick

Well, it’s all bit a of a build-up at this point to Saint Patrick’s Day. I thought I would do a post on the man himself based on my vast knowledge of all things Patricus.

Saint Patrick was 12 feet tall and had green hair. He arrived in Ireland in the 5th century A.D. as a slave captured from either Britain or Wales (I asked him, but he forgets which one it was). During his time as a slave he learned Irish from the leprechauns who used to help him tend his sheep and trim his split ends. Being 12 feet tall, it was quite hard for him to reach down when, for example, he dropped his staff. The leprechauns, however, were more than happy to help him recover it . . . it was a kindness he never forgot.

Eventually he got tired of counting sheep using the Roman numerals he learned in childhood and fled back to mainland Europe to insist someone invent the decimal system. They ignored the whole decimal request, but were so impressed, those Europeans, by this Irish-speaking 12 foot Roman with such a fantastic hair-do that they promptly made him the Czar of all Europe. Unfortunately for them, Patrick didn’t really want to be Czar – he wasn’t really sure why it started with the letter “C” anyway – and held his breath until they took it back and agreed that he could be a Bishop instead, if he wanted.

Happy to be a Bishop, Patrick realised that he left his staff in Ireland – how embarassing! So he headed back to Ireland where his sheep were performing amazing livestock pyramids at the wharf, waiting for his return. Since he was in the neighbourhood, Patrick travelled all around Ireland telling people about Christianity. The Irish weren’t gone on the idea at first, but since Patrick was such a nice fella they agreed to go along with what he had to say, after all, he was their guest and they felt kinda bad about the whole slavery-at-16-years-of-age thing.

Patrick, it must be said, was always up for a bit of craic and showed the Irish how to make such a delicious pudding from snake venom that soon the Irish supply of snakes was running frighteningly low. To this day, it’s next to impossible to get Irish snake venom pudding in the shops.

Did you know that St Patrick had this amazing party trick with a shamrock . . . no one can remember what it was, but it was so amazing that folks just fell over themselves converting to Christianity so that they might get invited to one of his snake venom pudding parties where he was reknown for performing his shamrock trick.

There’s a lot more about Saint Patrick I could tell you, but I’ve a hair appointment and must dash.